How To Be More Successful In Dating

2 May 2013
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Stacie’s Top Five Suggestions on How to Be More Successful In Dating

Tip # 1:

Examine your dating outlook and think of it on a continuum ranging from zero to ten. How excited are you about dating?  Or, are you frustrated and sick of it?  Assuming that “0” on the continuum is “I don’t date” or “I’m so tired of dating I would rather poke my eye out with a pencil”, and “10” is “I love dating!  It is my favourite thing to do in my spare time”…consider (or actually put pen to paper) where you might fall on the continuum.

If you put yourself at anywhere less than a 6 out of 10 on the continuum…STOP DATING.

Call us. Take a break.  Do both. But, whatever you do – please stop dating until you can get yourself to at least a “6″.  Why?  Because your lack of enthusiasm, positive energy and optimism will – despite any best efforts on your part – inevitably be sensed by your dating partners.  They may not be able to put their finger on it, but there will be something about your aura, energy and/or presence that won’t feel right to them.  If you find yourself going on a lot of “first dates” with very little interest or follow-up afterward (on either party’s part), it is possible – if not likely – that your dating outlook needs a readjustment.

Tip # 2:

Stay focused! On YOU, not on finding your partner.

For two reasons:

a) the harder and more you look, the less you find – or, put another way – when you are NOT *looking* is when love tends to smack you in the face.  Cliché, but true.  They say that the best relationships are the ones that happen unexpectedly.

Why is that?  Primarily because when you are not looking, focused, trying too hard, etc – you are behaving in the most natural of ways.  You are – perhaps unknowingly – putting your most authentic and true self forward and, ultimately, that is the version of you that your special someone is going to fall in love with.

b) The more focused on you (in a positive way, of course) that you are, inevitably the fuller a life you are living, the more naturally you are behaving and the less pressure you feel – all of which creates a positive energy space and vibe about you which, necessarily, attracts others (including those that you might deem *good quality*) into your life.

Tip # 3:

Check your expectations and ego at the door.

Specifically, when going out on a first date, focus on the “FUN” factor rather than on the “get-to-know-you” or interview-style approach and please – oh please – NO COFFEE DATES. Do something activity-based which alleviates the pressure of forced conversation and the potential for awkward silences.

Men, more than women, develop an emotional attraction and connection based on how much fun they have with the person they’re dating. Equipped with this information (where there is a lot of research to support it), why not start off on the right foot? Try not to approach a first date as a life-altering, decision-making opportunity but merely as an ice-breaker.

At the end of a first date, you should be asking yourself two questions:

1) was this a *tolerable* experience? (Enjoyable, of course, is preferred; however, tolerable is still workable)?

2) Would I see this person again? (If the answer is “no” – ask yourself, your friends and/or your dating coach/matchmaker if perhaps your expectations were/are too high or if your ego is getting in the way of your selection/deselection process).  What is a reasonable reason for not wanting to spend time with someone who you have only met once?

Tip # 4:

Determine whether you are more externally or internally focused and assess how that impacts your dating.

If you are typically externally focused, then you are more likely to attribute the outcomes in your life (dating or otherwise) to external variables. For example, in dating, you might think you’re still single despite not wanting to be, because you just haven’t met the right person, or online dating is not for you because all of the people you’ve met/seen online are not of the calibre you’re looking for, or the people you’ve dated each have had their own issues, etc.

If you are typically internally focused, then you are more likely to attribute the outcomes in your life to your own behaviour, choices and actions. For example, in dating, you spend time assessing your approach before, during and after dates, and taking as many lessons and learnings away from each experience as possible.

It is not bad or wrong to be externally focused, however, to be successful in dating (and in general), it’s important to have some element of reflection, introspection and a willingness to try new things and amend your approach when/if you determine it’s not working for you. Now’s a good time to remember Einstein’s definition of insanity: Doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

Tip # 5:

Become an adventurous dater!

Try EVERYTHING, at least once.

Go on a singles cruise with some single friends (www.singlescruise.com) – I went on two and had a great time…ended up in a one-year, long-distance relationship after the first one.

Try speed-dating.

Don’t give up on online dating – try a new site every three months.

Say “yes” to those suitors you would normally say “no” to. They may surprise you, or have a friend that the two of you decide may be better suited to you (or vice versa). I see this happen ALL THE TIME.

Strike up a conversation with someone at the bank, gym, grocery store, the movies, a restaurant, a café – anywhere you are.

Send out a “marketing” e-mail to your friends and family telling them exactly who and what you’re looking for, and ask them to send referrals your way and to pass the e-mail along.

Take yourself out on dates, put your phone away, and be approachable.

Join a dating service.

Hire a dating coach.

The possibilities are endless – if you are open!

Good luck, and happy dating!