Post-Date Etiquette

13 May 2013
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Post-date etiquette.

You’re a woman. You’ve gone on a date with a man.  You like him.  You had a good time.  He paid for the date – you want to thank him…again.    It’s the day after the date.  Is it OK for you to message him?  As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, men like to chase.  Even progressive, modern men.  Even if they don’t realize it.  So, my preference is to let him chase. Many women can find this difficult because they are not in control of the outcome.

We often make excuses for why we need to be the one to reach out after a first date (he’s shy, he’s insecure, maybe we didn’t give him the impression that we were interested, etc) but the reality is that – in most cases – if the guy wants to call, or follow up, he will. 

I’m not saying to the women “don’t call”…I’m just suggesting that you be mindful of the possible consequences (i.e. he doesn’t call back, he’s not interested, he’s turned off that you’re doing the “chasing”)…before you do call.

If you’re able to, the best approach – in my experience – is to let the cards fall where they may, which means leaving the courting in the guy’s hands. As my friend Carmen, and The Beatles, would say: “Let It Be”.

You’re a man.  You’ve gone on a date with a woman.  You like her but you’re not sure if she likes you. You want to ask her out again.  How long should you “wait” to do so?

I think most of us have heard about the “3-day rule”, right?  Well, because I don’t subscribe to “rules”, I think you should ask for a second date when it’s convenient and right for you. If that’s during the first date – go for it. If it’s the next day while you’re driving in to the office before a very busy day, then do it then. If it’s next week because you’re going on a golfing trip with your buddies the day after the date, that’s fine too.

I realize there is the fear of seeming too eager, or not interested enough. Both scenarios can easily be tempered based on what you say, not when you say it. For example, if you are calling the day after the date to ask for another you could say something like: “I had a really nice time with you last night. I have a really busy few days coming up and didn’t think I’d have the opportunity to call so I’m calling now to see if we could arrange another date for early next week”. In this example, even though you’re calling the next day it’s not like you’re trying to see her again that same night – which some may perceive as clingy/needy. You’re telling her that you’re interested, organized, and able to make a plan in advance (so important guys!)

Women know – just as men often do – by the end (or beginning?) of a date whether they’d be open to seeing you again (something I’m trying to change). Very rarely will the timing of your call sway her one way or the other (unless she’s interested and you wait “too long” to call or too much time passes – by her standards – between dates).  Ladies – please try and CALM DOWN.  Men view “time” differently than we do, and while you may have a notion in your mind of how this potential “romance” is going to play out, just because it doesn’t go at the pace you imagined, doesn’t mean it’s not going anywhere.  The more you romanticize, fantasize and idealize the way things will unfold, the more frustrated and annoyed you will ultimately become.  And don’t tell me (or yourself) that you don’t do that – because we all do…not just women (although we are more prone).  I’ve done it, I’ll do it again – and so have you, and so will you.  Which, he will sense, and it will be over before it had a chance to begin.  Men’s “spidey-senses” are powerful and the last thing a man wants is to feel he’s “in trouble” before he’s even decided if this is the woman he wants to be accountable to.

OK, now let’s say you are either a man or a woman. You’ve decided to ask for a second date. Should you do so by telephone, text, BBM or e-mail?

While I am, admittedly, the worst phone person ever (i.e. I hate talking on the phone), I am a sucker for tradition. I think there is something to be said for picking up the phone and asking for a date the old-fashioned way, especially with all of the other options available. It shows interest and requires a slight effort – on both parts.

 

Does that mean text, BBM and e-mail are uncouth? No, it doesn’t. I know for a fact that it happens that way every day and is more the norm than the exception. Just remember that if you are looking for a meaningful, committed relationship there should be something between text and sex – if not phone calls, then some good emotional bonding in person. 

 

Many people in my profession recommend no sex until monogamy. I don’t think that’s a bad idea – in theory – but often easier said than done. As with anything else, this really boils down to expectations (are yours realistic?), choices (do you understand what your options are?) and consequences for your actions (there is no “right” or “wrong”, “good” or “bad”). 

Check out a previous blog I wrote for more thoughts:  http://sittinginatree.com/2011/04/to-sex-or-not-to-sex/