When Is The Right Time To Have Sex?


A 45 year-old divorcée asks:  What are the rules around sex these days?  It seems like every man I date is anxious to get me in to their bed…and I mean right from the first date…even if we don’t really know each other that well.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude it just seems that if I have sex with someone too soon I’m unhappy with myself and if I wait too long the man disappears.


Hey Hot Momma!  First of all…be flattered that these men want to get you in to their beds.  It means that they’re attracted to you, and that’s a good thing…you can’t fault them for that. 

I think you answered your own question and I don’t know that I can tell you anything you don’t already know, however, I am happy to put this back into perspective for you and to be your VoR (voice of reason).   Here are (some of) my thoughts on sex:


There are no universal rules that apply to everyone and only you know what feels right for you. 


Create your own set of rules to guide your dating behaviour and be clear on what they are before meeting a new person.  For example, you may implement a “no touching below the pants until Date # 4” rule or a “no sleepovers until I’ve met his kids” rule or a “no sex until we are dating each other exclusively” rule or a “I will have sex with whoever I want whenever I want so long as we are practicing safe sex” rule.  The beauty of creating your own rules is that you can easily break or modify them as you deem appropriate because they are all yours!


If someone is still pressuring you to have sex with them after you have expressed that you’re not comfortable with the idea, move on.  Most people who cannot take “no” for an answer are either manipulators or children trapped in adult bodies.  Be secretly thankful to them for showing their true colours so early on in the relationship so that you can get the hell out of there.


Remember that women develop an emotional attachment to their sexual partners faster than men do.  This is often where neediness and clinginess comes from.  Both genders should wade into the sexual waters understanding this so that expectations can be managed…maybe even discussed upfront.  A warning to the ladies:  sleeping with a man will not make him like you more, commit to you faster, or ensure exclusivity.  If those are your primary or ulterior motives know that you will achieve the complete opposite…in most cases.


When two people are themselves around each other – meaning that both people are putting their most authentic feet forward and are behaving naturally – by honouring their feelings and their bodies, the point in the relationship at which the sex occurs becomes irrelevant.  You can sleep with someone on the first date and end up marrying them or you can delay intimacy for months, only to find that the person either becomes increasingly distant or complacent, or disappears altogether.  The key is to ensure that you’re being true to yourself, doing only what feels good and right for you and that the sex is happening for the “right” reasons.

I hope this answers the question.  Good luck, and be safe!!!

To get your questions on dating, sex and love answered, please e-mail:  info@sittinginatree.com

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